He Calms The Storm Within

Sometimes there is no need for words....just the need for stillness.

Show Me Your Glory

I see the cloud, I step in
I want to see Your glory as Moses did
Flashes of light and rolls of thunder
I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid

Show me Your glory, show me Your glory, my God...
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory

I’m marked by Your beauty, lost in Your eyes
I want to walk in Your presence like Jesus did
Your glory surrounds me and I’m overwhelmed
I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid

Show me Your glory, show me Your glory, my God...
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory

I long to look on the face of the One that I love
Long to stay in Your presence, it's where I belong
Oh how we love You, oh how we love You
Oh how we love You, Jesus

(Show Me Your Glory--Jesus Culture)

Then Sings My Soul

You remind me again and again...that "By Faith" does not mean "Without Pain."

My heart was made to worship. I have never felt so close to the presence of God, the feeling of Heaven touching Earth, as when spontaneous worship erupts and the cries of the soul get to escape and exclaim the greatness of our God.  It is when I sing of Who God is that I begin to understand who I am.  The ways of this world melt away, petty problems, insecurities, burdens they have no place when God's glory fills a room and overwhelms the temples of His people.  There is Authoritative Power when worship overflows and God answers the cries of His people.

There are those seasons where you get to lead others into that awe, into those moments, where God uses you in a mighty way and you are humbled to be His instrument.  

But then....there are those Season where God calls you to His Mountain.  Like Moses, He pulls you away, He asks of you to make the hard climb to meet with Him and Him alone.  To Sing His praises to an audience of One.

I have noticed that all the "By Faith" individuals of the Bible (Hebrews 11), not only got to encounter the Glory and Presence of God but also had to endure some of the loneliest and hardest lives ever written about. They all dealt with sacrifice and loss.

I wonder as Moses made His journey up the mountain to encounter God, if his heart was ever pulled back to the people--if He ever wondered if they would forget about him, if they would move on, if someone would take his place.  He was going to encounter the God of the Universe.  He was getting ready to see the glory and the presence of the very being that He was leading those people towards and yet I wonder if His earthly desires made Him question His spiritual calling.

How many times has God asked of us to pull ourselves away to meet with Him, to encounter Him in a life changing way?  So many times Christians will talk about what they left to answer to the calling of Ministry--the high paying jobs, the expensive cars, the comfortable homes BUT yet we very rarely hear about the ones that God asked to step down from their platforms of ministry, to leave their roles of leadership to spend seasons seeking God and God alone.  This calling is one of the hardest because it requires complete sacrifice and trust--It is walking through the valley and up the mountain in complete isolation and separation from all you know and wondering if you will return the same...if what you left will still be there when you return.  THAT IS ANSWERING THE CALL.  

When we are standing on the mountain top, in the presence of God and God alone--do we still sing with the same authority and passion?  When we don't know what tomorrow holds, when the comforts of yesterday are gone...when God has called us to THIS very moment...Is being in His presence enough?

This has made me re-evaluate ministry...to ask the Hard question of Who are we serving?

Walking into your calling is not pain free....it hurts, it rips at your heart, it asks of you more than you think you have to give.  Sacrifice rips you raw---it takes everything you thought you knew, everything you thought you were and it leaves you completely vulnerable and exposed.  

We must train our ear on the one who calls---the one who writes His covenant and promises on our Hearts, the one who reveals His glory to us in such a mighty way that we can never leave the mountain the same.  He who calls is faithful.  He will not forsake me.  

And so I climb the mountain of uncertainty, singing His praises at the top of my lungs.

Letting the tears of sacrifice fall onto the alter of promise.

Keeping my head up--anxiously awaiting the God who waits for me with outstretched arms...

For He is My Calling.

It is For Him that My Soul Sings.

Awaiting His Praise...

There are days that come and it seems that pains from the past, questions about the future, and longings of the present overwhelm my spirit.  It seems when all those thoughts and emotions weigh heavily on my mind that I begin a downward spiral of questioning my worth--who I am--who I was meant to be.  I feel lost and overcome by an emptiness.

It is always in those times though that I feel this gentle leading to embrace that emptiness and to pull out a blank piece of paper, to put on some worship music, and to just soak in God's praise and await His words.

He takes that emptiness that the enemy tries to bond us in and uses the openness, the clean canvas--to fill us with Hope and anticipation. He doesn't require us to fill the pages with our own understanding or to paint the picture of our own worth or future. He transforms the emptiness with words of truth and love and Hope.  He speaks over us, He reveals Himself to us, and He opens our eyes to who He has designed us to be.

It is in our praise to our creator that the enemies hold is destroyed--it is when we give our hearts to God, that the Spirit intercedes, the darkness is filled with light and our unknowns become songs of Hallelujah-- changing our mindset from fear to awe.

When I am at a loss for words--He floods the pages.
I surrender control, I simply become His instrument, and suddenly it is His words that flow through me.

When I praise Him--When I surrender my circumstances, when I turn my hurts and unknowns into Hallelujah's, He lavishes His praises over me and I overflow--I burst at the seams with completeness.

When I sing of Who He is--I suddenly Know who I am.

Hillsong- Transfiguration (Open Heaven/River Wild)

From the cloud you speak
What was veiled now is seen
Jesus the image of
The invisible God

Divinity confirmed
In the transfigured word
That kingdom once conceived
On earth now revealed

Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes
And my burning heart can scarcely take it in
As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes
The only song my soul can find to sing
Is Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah my King

Lead my longing heart
To the high ground to the clear view
Ending nor' I'll be there
Beholding You

Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes
And my burning heart can scarcely take it in
As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes
The only song my soul can find to sing
Is Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah my King

Now I know
I have seen
The glory that can not be unseen
I am changed
Changing Still
As I look upon the Lord and Pray

More than Coffee Mugs and Running Shoes

This posting is a little different than my normal ones because its not as poetic or artistic...its the nitty gritty truth of what life sometimes looks like and the desperate need we find ourselves in for being stripped completely to our core and being repurposed by God. Letting go of who we think we are and letting God reveal to us who and whose we are...

I have ALWAYS been one to push myself and to prove myself, which is probably why i have gotten myself to this place of complete and utter burnout. We have recently moved--packed up our 3 bedroom house and moved them all in a u-haul 3.5 hrs north to a small 2 bedroom apartment.  I have gone back into the office after working from home for 3 years and my husband recently left his job and is now in the Army.  These are just the highlights of the last 6 months--they do not even scratch the surface of all that we have accomplished, endured, and survived within the last 5 years together. We are troopers to say the least--but these earthly bodies sure can't keep up.

As anyone with adrenal fatigue can tell you--you finally get to that place of deep and utter burnout where you feel like you are falling into a dark hole that is never ending.  It was taking me 3-5 cups of coffee a day just to be able to push myself along.  Everyday was filled with desperation and tears. Life became an act of survival and I was not becoming very good at it.

One of the key areas of trying to jump start my adrenal recovery that I have really struggled with has been giving up caffeine, giving up sugar, and giving up running.  I have felt like 2 of those 3 have really defined me and yet it is these very things that are trying to drain the life right out of me.

I was praying the other night for wisdom and direction.  Crying out to God because I wanted more for my life--I wanted to thrive, I wanted to be happy, be at peace and full of joy. I was tired of living in this darkness.  I felt God ask me to give up any strongholds that were in my life.  This was really hard for me to hear because it has seemed that over the last few years, I have already been asked to give up and to sacrifice a lot.  I had been holding on to my coffee and to my cardio--grasping them as hard as I could because I felt that if I let go--that somehow I would disappear with them.  Now when I heard my self say that last sentence is when I knew that it was time for a change.  Who lets a cup of coffee and a pair of running shoes define their very existence?  Who thinks that if they don't run those 20 miles a week that somehow their entire existence will be stripped away? or if they don't get those 100 instagram photos at the newest/latest/hippist coffeeshop that somehow they will not be trendy anymore?  Crazy talk my friends..just crazy.

I have taken the plunge and I have given up coffee and caffeine for healing!  I am in the process of re-evaluating my vitamin and supplement intake and I am pinning "whole food" recipes like a mad woman.  i am determined..I will change how I approach things and how I see things.  I will not let my circumstances define my existence and I will not allow my identity to be formed by  food, drink, or hobbies.  I AM A CHILD OF GOD--CREATED FOR A GREAT PURPOSE.

Its time to allow God to use me, to give Him a workable canvas and to see what He will create and repurpose from my willingness.

We don't fast because we hope for God to give us something in the end--we fast because it is something that we can give to God today.  He has asked...and I am ready to answer and I am excited to see how He and He alone will bring healing to my willing heart and hands in this journey of recovery.

I am excited to see who I truly am apart from everything that I thought once defined me...
I am ready for this new season.
I am ready for newness. I am ready to come out of the darkness and into His light.

It is day 5 and I am Caffeine Free--Excess Sugar Free--and Cardio Free.
My plan is to nourish my need for mugs by sipping on herbal teas, I plan to stock my pantry and fridge with Healthy, organic, whole foods to sustain and equip my body and I plan to incorporate yoga, breathing, and lots of good for the soul down time.

I am doing this for my longing for children, my longing to draw closer to the heart of God,
my desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman for my husband and family, and lastly for Me--because at 32 (almost 33) years old...I'd like to know what it feels like to not be at war with myself.

To Healing....Cheers.

Stepping out in faith and away from my coffee mug :)

be still

Peace

Every evening He paints the sky with His faithfulness

and Every morning His Light breaks through the dark

He has overcome so that we may have Peace

Glory and Wonder

Currently Listening To: Glory and Wonder--Live (Mosaic MSC)

There are songs of anointing--songs that you hear and your soul feels as if its heard the melody before.  Songs that bring you back to a familiar place that resonates to every part of your being.

Songs of anointing are melodies used by God to speak promises over us.  They sound so familiar because His words are always truth--they never change, they are the words He has spoken over us from a very early age.

Our ear may have not been trained to hear or listen or to understand what it is He is speaking to us, but our Soul has saved every word, it has transposed every melody into the very stitching of our being.

And so you walk, you listen, you hear a song and it sounds familiar and suddenly you are overcome with Gods empowering words washing over you.  The melody may be new but His love for you has never changed and the soul awakens to its deep and pleading need to encounter the presence and overwhelming sense of being simply His.

Heaven meets Earth in a few simple notes and we get to see the rays of His Glory stretch out across the sky.  He sings melodies over you...words so powerful that a song can't contain them--the sky explodes in glory and wonder.

The Wilderness Within

I crave this wilderness that you have called me to.

I crave this deep dependence to only You.

I do not fear the cries at night or the howls of the dark

because it is only your whispers that I seek out.

You overwhelm me with your presence and 

wash over me with your promise--I am Yours.

My soul longs for this place of stillness, where battles

are being won and bondages are undone.

You have called me to this land of barrenness, 

You have emptied me of all I know,

Filling me with your wonder.

Take me deeper into this wilderness,

call me your child of promise,

lead me out of distraction, 

'till I search for only You.

You are my Promise

Eyes of Strength...

I was looking through my Instagram feed and am always overwhelmed by the number of "motivational fitness" posts that show ladies taking pictures of their biceps, or showing their toned bellies.  Am I the only one that has noticed the irony of the motivational posts always leading to comparison and discouragement?  I've never been one to be motivated through shame (I hear it works for dogs though).

I was running at the gym and when the sun sets the windows become giant mirrors.  (Okay..so where you are supposed to look when you are running right in front of them?  You feel vain if you look at yourself, you feel like a creeper if you watch everyone else...) I couldn't help but notice my reflection in the window and my first instinct was to compare myself to the pictures online and to beat myself up over not being strong enough, toned enough, fast enough...the list goes on and on.

I heard God's voice say "stop." I forced myself to look at myself differently. I took my focus off of my inadequacies and instead looked at my eyes. In those eyes I saw someone that was strong, I saw someone that was determined,  I saw someone that was pushing through the hard times, I saw someone who was rising above and for the first time in a long time....I was proud of that person.

Are we allowed to be proud of ourselves?  I've always been one to push myself to do more, to expect more, to want more.  I have always lived in fear that if I allowed myself to be proud (or heaven forbid even like myself), that somehow I would become lazy, or prideful.  

As women we have this tendency to find our worth or our strength in our accomplishments and our to-do lists.  We measure the quality of our day by the number of check marks and we place our worth on whether or not our lists measures up to everyone else's.  The lists never end and someone always seems to accomplish something new or something more (thank you Pinterest)...the cycle always continues. 

I was standing on that treadmill and I just decided that I was tired of living defeated,

I was tired of constant comparison and the overwhelming fear of not being enough. 

I was weary of beating myself up and forcing myself to do more.

I simply wanted to take a deep breath, smile and feel like I was enough at that very moment.

When you are looking in the mirror---begin to look at yourself differently.  Your strength does not come in toned biceps or a defined belly---your strength comes from the sparkle in your eye that says I am Enough, I can do this, I can conquer this, I will not give up.

You have worked really hard to get where you are today.  Many prayers, sweat, and tears have gone into getting you to where you stand right at this moment, and while it doesn't mean that your journey is done or that you don't have room to grow, it does mean that its okay to be proud of the eyes that look back at you in the mirror.

You are stronger than you think.

So in this new year of goals and lists...make sure to put at the top of your list to be true to YOU.

Find the right motivation and pay more attention to the sparkle in your eyes then your shape or size.

You are Enough...

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

More than a Glimpse...

Isaiah 40: 3-5

A voice cries:
"In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

I was really thinking about this verse, trying to dig into the deeper meaning, the symbolism of it's words and its purpose and then it hit me...

I in-vision a video game where all of a sudden a mountain falls and a valley rises to meet it.  I see rocks being destroyed and pot holes being filled.  There is this openness, a vastness, unobstructed and as far as the eye can see.  Suddenly, there is a light--so bright and so powerful, nothing stands in its way--there are no shadows.  Everything illuminates the source and magnifies its radius.  Even though there is emptiness, there is fullness.

I think about the wilderness that I am standing in...what mountains stand in my way?  What are the things in my life that obstruct my view, that keep me in constant shadow?  What valleys lie before me?  What are the areas in my life that are raw and exposed and that need lifted and strengthened?  What are the rocks and pebbles that keep my feet from walking on level ground?  And finally, what are the pits and the holes that need to be filled?

In this place of wilderness--I am preparing the way of the LORD.  I am creating an openness that can be filled completely and overwhelmingly by God and God alone.  This place of wilderness is where God reveals His glory and His presence with no obstruction.

To see your light, your warmth on my face, 

to feel covered and consumed by your power and strength.

I want more than a glimpse.