Awaiting His Praise...

There are days that come and it seems that pains from the past, questions about the future, and longings of the present overwhelm my spirit.  It seems when all those thoughts and emotions weigh heavily on my mind that I begin a downward spiral of questioning my worth--who I am--who I was meant to be.  I feel lost and overcome by an emptiness.

It is always in those times though that I feel this gentle leading to embrace that emptiness and to pull out a blank piece of paper, to put on some worship music, and to just soak in God's praise and await His words.

He takes that emptiness that the enemy tries to bond us in and uses the openness, the clean canvas--to fill us with Hope and anticipation. He doesn't require us to fill the pages with our own understanding or to paint the picture of our own worth or future. He transforms the emptiness with words of truth and love and Hope.  He speaks over us, He reveals Himself to us, and He opens our eyes to who He has designed us to be.

It is in our praise to our creator that the enemies hold is destroyed--it is when we give our hearts to God, that the Spirit intercedes, the darkness is filled with light and our unknowns become songs of Hallelujah-- changing our mindset from fear to awe.

When I am at a loss for words--He floods the pages.
I surrender control, I simply become His instrument, and suddenly it is His words that flow through me.

When I praise Him--When I surrender my circumstances, when I turn my hurts and unknowns into Hallelujah's, He lavishes His praises over me and I overflow--I burst at the seams with completeness.

When I sing of Who He is--I suddenly Know who I am.

Hillsong- Transfiguration (Open Heaven/River Wild)

From the cloud you speak
What was veiled now is seen
Jesus the image of
The invisible God

Divinity confirmed
In the transfigured word
That kingdom once conceived
On earth now revealed

Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes
And my burning heart can scarcely take it in
As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes
The only song my soul can find to sing
Is Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah my King

Lead my longing heart
To the high ground to the clear view
Ending nor' I'll be there
Beholding You

Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes
And my burning heart can scarcely take it in
As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes
The only song my soul can find to sing
Is Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah my King

Now I know
I have seen
The glory that can not be unseen
I am changed
Changing Still
As I look upon the Lord and Pray

More than Coffee Mugs and Running Shoes

This posting is a little different than my normal ones because its not as poetic or artistic...its the nitty gritty truth of what life sometimes looks like and the desperate need we find ourselves in for being stripped completely to our core and being repurposed by God. Letting go of who we think we are and letting God reveal to us who and whose we are...

I have ALWAYS been one to push myself and to prove myself, which is probably why i have gotten myself to this place of complete and utter burnout. We have recently moved--packed up our 3 bedroom house and moved them all in a u-haul 3.5 hrs north to a small 2 bedroom apartment.  I have gone back into the office after working from home for 3 years and my husband recently left his job and is now in the Army.  These are just the highlights of the last 6 months--they do not even scratch the surface of all that we have accomplished, endured, and survived within the last 5 years together. We are troopers to say the least--but these earthly bodies sure can't keep up.

As anyone with adrenal fatigue can tell you--you finally get to that place of deep and utter burnout where you feel like you are falling into a dark hole that is never ending.  It was taking me 3-5 cups of coffee a day just to be able to push myself along.  Everyday was filled with desperation and tears. Life became an act of survival and I was not becoming very good at it.

One of the key areas of trying to jump start my adrenal recovery that I have really struggled with has been giving up caffeine, giving up sugar, and giving up running.  I have felt like 2 of those 3 have really defined me and yet it is these very things that are trying to drain the life right out of me.

I was praying the other night for wisdom and direction.  Crying out to God because I wanted more for my life--I wanted to thrive, I wanted to be happy, be at peace and full of joy. I was tired of living in this darkness.  I felt God ask me to give up any strongholds that were in my life.  This was really hard for me to hear because it has seemed that over the last few years, I have already been asked to give up and to sacrifice a lot.  I had been holding on to my coffee and to my cardio--grasping them as hard as I could because I felt that if I let go--that somehow I would disappear with them.  Now when I heard my self say that last sentence is when I knew that it was time for a change.  Who lets a cup of coffee and a pair of running shoes define their very existence?  Who thinks that if they don't run those 20 miles a week that somehow their entire existence will be stripped away? or if they don't get those 100 instagram photos at the newest/latest/hippist coffeeshop that somehow they will not be trendy anymore?  Crazy talk my friends..just crazy.

I have taken the plunge and I have given up coffee and caffeine for healing!  I am in the process of re-evaluating my vitamin and supplement intake and I am pinning "whole food" recipes like a mad woman.  i am determined..I will change how I approach things and how I see things.  I will not let my circumstances define my existence and I will not allow my identity to be formed by  food, drink, or hobbies.  I AM A CHILD OF GOD--CREATED FOR A GREAT PURPOSE.

Its time to allow God to use me, to give Him a workable canvas and to see what He will create and repurpose from my willingness.

We don't fast because we hope for God to give us something in the end--we fast because it is something that we can give to God today.  He has asked...and I am ready to answer and I am excited to see how He and He alone will bring healing to my willing heart and hands in this journey of recovery.

I am excited to see who I truly am apart from everything that I thought once defined me...
I am ready for this new season.
I am ready for newness. I am ready to come out of the darkness and into His light.

It is day 5 and I am Caffeine Free--Excess Sugar Free--and Cardio Free.
My plan is to nourish my need for mugs by sipping on herbal teas, I plan to stock my pantry and fridge with Healthy, organic, whole foods to sustain and equip my body and I plan to incorporate yoga, breathing, and lots of good for the soul down time.

I am doing this for my longing for children, my longing to draw closer to the heart of God,
my desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman for my husband and family, and lastly for Me--because at 32 (almost 33) years old...I'd like to know what it feels like to not be at war with myself.

To Healing....Cheers.

Stepping out in faith and away from my coffee mug :)

be still

Peace

Every evening He paints the sky with His faithfulness

and Every morning His Light breaks through the dark

He has overcome so that we may have Peace