Then Sings My Soul

You remind me again and again...that "By Faith" does not mean "Without Pain."

My heart was made to worship. I have never felt so close to the presence of God, the feeling of Heaven touching Earth, as when spontaneous worship erupts and the cries of the soul get to escape and exclaim the greatness of our God.  It is when I sing of Who God is that I begin to understand who I am.  The ways of this world melt away, petty problems, insecurities, burdens they have no place when God's glory fills a room and overwhelms the temples of His people.  There is Authoritative Power when worship overflows and God answers the cries of His people.

There are those seasons where you get to lead others into that awe, into those moments, where God uses you in a mighty way and you are humbled to be His instrument.  

But then....there are those Season where God calls you to His Mountain.  Like Moses, He pulls you away, He asks of you to make the hard climb to meet with Him and Him alone.  To Sing His praises to an audience of One.

I have noticed that all the "By Faith" individuals of the Bible (Hebrews 11), not only got to encounter the Glory and Presence of God but also had to endure some of the loneliest and hardest lives ever written about. They all dealt with sacrifice and loss.

I wonder as Moses made His journey up the mountain to encounter God, if his heart was ever pulled back to the people--if He ever wondered if they would forget about him, if they would move on, if someone would take his place.  He was going to encounter the God of the Universe.  He was getting ready to see the glory and the presence of the very being that He was leading those people towards and yet I wonder if His earthly desires made Him question His spiritual calling.

How many times has God asked of us to pull ourselves away to meet with Him, to encounter Him in a life changing way?  So many times Christians will talk about what they left to answer to the calling of Ministry--the high paying jobs, the expensive cars, the comfortable homes BUT yet we very rarely hear about the ones that God asked to step down from their platforms of ministry, to leave their roles of leadership to spend seasons seeking God and God alone.  This calling is one of the hardest because it requires complete sacrifice and trust--It is walking through the valley and up the mountain in complete isolation and separation from all you know and wondering if you will return the same...if what you left will still be there when you return.  THAT IS ANSWERING THE CALL.  

When we are standing on the mountain top, in the presence of God and God alone--do we still sing with the same authority and passion?  When we don't know what tomorrow holds, when the comforts of yesterday are gone...when God has called us to THIS very moment...Is being in His presence enough?

This has made me re-evaluate ministry...to ask the Hard question of Who are we serving?

Walking into your calling is not pain free....it hurts, it rips at your heart, it asks of you more than you think you have to give.  Sacrifice rips you raw---it takes everything you thought you knew, everything you thought you were and it leaves you completely vulnerable and exposed.  

We must train our ear on the one who calls---the one who writes His covenant and promises on our Hearts, the one who reveals His glory to us in such a mighty way that we can never leave the mountain the same.  He who calls is faithful.  He will not forsake me.  

And so I climb the mountain of uncertainty, singing His praises at the top of my lungs.

Letting the tears of sacrifice fall onto the alter of promise.

Keeping my head up--anxiously awaiting the God who waits for me with outstretched arms...

For He is My Calling.

It is For Him that My Soul Sings.

Awaiting His Praise...

There are days that come and it seems that pains from the past, questions about the future, and longings of the present overwhelm my spirit.  It seems when all those thoughts and emotions weigh heavily on my mind that I begin a downward spiral of questioning my worth--who I am--who I was meant to be.  I feel lost and overcome by an emptiness.

It is always in those times though that I feel this gentle leading to embrace that emptiness and to pull out a blank piece of paper, to put on some worship music, and to just soak in God's praise and await His words.

He takes that emptiness that the enemy tries to bond us in and uses the openness, the clean canvas--to fill us with Hope and anticipation. He doesn't require us to fill the pages with our own understanding or to paint the picture of our own worth or future. He transforms the emptiness with words of truth and love and Hope.  He speaks over us, He reveals Himself to us, and He opens our eyes to who He has designed us to be.

It is in our praise to our creator that the enemies hold is destroyed--it is when we give our hearts to God, that the Spirit intercedes, the darkness is filled with light and our unknowns become songs of Hallelujah-- changing our mindset from fear to awe.

When I am at a loss for words--He floods the pages.
I surrender control, I simply become His instrument, and suddenly it is His words that flow through me.

When I praise Him--When I surrender my circumstances, when I turn my hurts and unknowns into Hallelujah's, He lavishes His praises over me and I overflow--I burst at the seams with completeness.

When I sing of Who He is--I suddenly Know who I am.

Hillsong- Transfiguration (Open Heaven/River Wild)

From the cloud you speak
What was veiled now is seen
Jesus the image of
The invisible God

Divinity confirmed
In the transfigured word
That kingdom once conceived
On earth now revealed

Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes
And my burning heart can scarcely take it in
As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes
The only song my soul can find to sing
Is Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah my King

Lead my longing heart
To the high ground to the clear view
Ending nor' I'll be there
Beholding You

Holy is the Lord revealed before my eyes
And my burning heart can scarcely take it in
As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes
The only song my soul can find to sing
Is Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah my King

Now I know
I have seen
The glory that can not be unseen
I am changed
Changing Still
As I look upon the Lord and Pray

More than Coffee Mugs and Running Shoes

This posting is a little different than my normal ones because its not as poetic or artistic...its the nitty gritty truth of what life sometimes looks like and the desperate need we find ourselves in for being stripped completely to our core and being repurposed by God. Letting go of who we think we are and letting God reveal to us who and whose we are...

I have ALWAYS been one to push myself and to prove myself, which is probably why i have gotten myself to this place of complete and utter burnout. We have recently moved--packed up our 3 bedroom house and moved them all in a u-haul 3.5 hrs north to a small 2 bedroom apartment.  I have gone back into the office after working from home for 3 years and my husband recently left his job and is now in the Army.  These are just the highlights of the last 6 months--they do not even scratch the surface of all that we have accomplished, endured, and survived within the last 5 years together. We are troopers to say the least--but these earthly bodies sure can't keep up.

As anyone with adrenal fatigue can tell you--you finally get to that place of deep and utter burnout where you feel like you are falling into a dark hole that is never ending.  It was taking me 3-5 cups of coffee a day just to be able to push myself along.  Everyday was filled with desperation and tears. Life became an act of survival and I was not becoming very good at it.

One of the key areas of trying to jump start my adrenal recovery that I have really struggled with has been giving up caffeine, giving up sugar, and giving up running.  I have felt like 2 of those 3 have really defined me and yet it is these very things that are trying to drain the life right out of me.

I was praying the other night for wisdom and direction.  Crying out to God because I wanted more for my life--I wanted to thrive, I wanted to be happy, be at peace and full of joy. I was tired of living in this darkness.  I felt God ask me to give up any strongholds that were in my life.  This was really hard for me to hear because it has seemed that over the last few years, I have already been asked to give up and to sacrifice a lot.  I had been holding on to my coffee and to my cardio--grasping them as hard as I could because I felt that if I let go--that somehow I would disappear with them.  Now when I heard my self say that last sentence is when I knew that it was time for a change.  Who lets a cup of coffee and a pair of running shoes define their very existence?  Who thinks that if they don't run those 20 miles a week that somehow their entire existence will be stripped away? or if they don't get those 100 instagram photos at the newest/latest/hippist coffeeshop that somehow they will not be trendy anymore?  Crazy talk my friends..just crazy.

I have taken the plunge and I have given up coffee and caffeine for healing!  I am in the process of re-evaluating my vitamin and supplement intake and I am pinning "whole food" recipes like a mad woman.  i am determined..I will change how I approach things and how I see things.  I will not let my circumstances define my existence and I will not allow my identity to be formed by  food, drink, or hobbies.  I AM A CHILD OF GOD--CREATED FOR A GREAT PURPOSE.

Its time to allow God to use me, to give Him a workable canvas and to see what He will create and repurpose from my willingness.

We don't fast because we hope for God to give us something in the end--we fast because it is something that we can give to God today.  He has asked...and I am ready to answer and I am excited to see how He and He alone will bring healing to my willing heart and hands in this journey of recovery.

I am excited to see who I truly am apart from everything that I thought once defined me...
I am ready for this new season.
I am ready for newness. I am ready to come out of the darkness and into His light.

It is day 5 and I am Caffeine Free--Excess Sugar Free--and Cardio Free.
My plan is to nourish my need for mugs by sipping on herbal teas, I plan to stock my pantry and fridge with Healthy, organic, whole foods to sustain and equip my body and I plan to incorporate yoga, breathing, and lots of good for the soul down time.

I am doing this for my longing for children, my longing to draw closer to the heart of God,
my desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman for my husband and family, and lastly for Me--because at 32 (almost 33) years old...I'd like to know what it feels like to not be at war with myself.

To Healing....Cheers.

Stepping out in faith and away from my coffee mug :)