The List

For the past few years I've been obsessed with lists--lists that state who I am, who I hope to become; lists that specified what I wanted and what I didn't want. Lists of boundaries, lists of goals, everything had a place written in ink on a line that could be seen outside of my own mind. I thought for sure that if I wrote it all out it would somehow be more likely to happen, nothing and no one could take it away from me and on days when I forgot who I was, it would be there to remind me, to push and pull me where I needed to go. I was so scared of losing myself, of being misunderstood, over looked, of becoming invisible that it was my plea to prove my value, my importance, my significance in this world.

When you get stuck in a victim mentality, you become fixated on what was taken from you and how you get it back. I've become obsessed with my hobbies, the things I once enjoyed: exercise, photography, writing, television even. They have all become things I feel I have to do in order to prove who I am. To show others that This is Me-This is Who I am--You can't take these things from me because--SEE, THIS IS ME! The problem with this mentality is that it requires an audience--someone who has to see your work, hear your words, feel your strength. Your sense of self is no longer what you project but what you receive as feedback from others.

In times of severe loneliness, we then have no sense of self worth because all that we do is not noticed, what we feel is not heard or seen, and there are no medals or ribbons of praise in what we've accomplished or proved:

Do we lose ourselves in the silence?

Do we lose ourselves in the loneliness?

Do we lose ourselves without the lists?

An Ipod comes programed from the factory, you may modify it, add to it, change it's appearance, but when it becomes "broken" or "in need of a fix" you restore factory settings and it returns to what it originally was--it's core. Things can be added/modified to it once again, but it's core can never be changed except by the creator.

We were made/designed with a core purpose. Our lives, actions, emotions, add and sometimes modify the core's appearance. Who we are--our joys, our fears, our loves and our dislikes can't be taken away, can't be changed. We can lose focus, lose our footing, but we never lose ourselves.

A painting, a book, a finish line, a ceremony, and a list do not make us who we are--they only reflect what is our core.

Life is not about proving who you are, it is about proving that the Creator knows who we are when the world doesn't.

There is beauty in emptiness, there is melody in silence,

there is character in stillness, and there is reason in doubt.