Goodbye 2009

The beginning of a New Year is like the first page of a new journal--fresh, crisp, and clean-- just waiting for new thoughts, new memories, and new accomplishments to be added.

A New Year is like that first breath you take in the crisp cold air--it fills the lungs, rushing throughout your entire body and making you feel alive and invigorated.

Have you ever noticed if you are one who journals that you have half a dozen journals lined up on your shelves all half full but never finished? I've realized this about myself because the first page starts and I'm determined to make a difference, create a change, and prepare my mind and attitude to dwell on things that are positive, beneficial, and honoring to God but then March comes around and I've realized that I've fallen into my old habits. The year's first rainfall comes and I find myself stuck in the mud with no where else to relay my feelings then in my book that I had determined would not be filled with pain and difficulty. You find a new journal with a pretty cover, and fresh, crisp new pages and you decide to try again, and again, and again until you've killed enough trees to write a 5,000 page memoir.

My mom had a post-it note with a clever saying on it, "When you pray for rain, don't be surprised by a little mud." Loneliness, pain, suffering, heartache are all things we try to avoid at every cost; however, the mere avoidance of these things are often the very trigger for our despair because feelings, no matter whether they are positive or negative, are legitimate and are necessary in our growth, acceptance, and understanding of life. After a heavy rain, while the ground is moist, a robin finds it's best dinner; it is also true for us, after a heavy rain in our lives, while the heart is still raw, we will find our greatest growth and reflection.

New Years is an exciting time to look back, look ahead, and see how far we've come, but Christ's grace allows us a clean, crisp, new page each and every day. God is not confined to a 24 hrs day, or 365 days within a year, His purpose and His plan for each of us started before there was time and lasts for all eternity. It is up to you to fill the pages with what is real, what is genuine, and what He teaches you from sunrise to sunset.

Be finished with 2009 and find joy in the newness of 2010 and of each day God graces us with.
Happy New Year!

Just Breathe

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

We take for granted everyday the single act that keeps us living from one moment to the next. The gentle inhale and exhale of breath that escapes and enters through our mouth, brings oxygen to our blood, and renews our organs and brain for strength and function.

During moments of fear or excitement we often hold our breaths, in moments of panic or grief we often breathe to fast--our whole bodies, our mental and emotional status can be determined by a single breath.

Babies know of nothing when they enter this world, they are completely dependent on someone to nurture and teach them ;however, the first act they do on their own is breathe in that breath of life and exhale with hearty lungs a full cry.

Yoga has taught me some of the most valuable life lessons. Yoga is all about the Breath--deep breathing: filling the lungs completely and then releasing completely until there is no air left.

There are difficult poses in yoga which are a test for not only your body but also your mind. One of these poses is called a bind. Your body twists and grabs and bends in ways in which a pretzel is more likely to appear and the instructor says "When you reach an area of resistance, breath deeper into the pose, embrace the pose." When I feel uncomfortable, trapped, a little claustrophobic by my own limbs my breath gets short, my mind starts racing, and I begin to fall out of the pose, but if when I start to feel uncomfortable, when the agitation sets in, I begin to breathe deeper and visualize pushing oxygen to those areas of resistance--I manage to get through the pose.

Life is like yoga--we forget to breathe. Whether times are happy, sad, peaceful, or full of anxiety--our breath should be the same. Time does not move faster or slower in these moments and life has a lot to teach us throughout them all-- if only we would remember to breath and embrace the moment.

Letting Go, Holding On, Letting God

When I have nothing, You are my Everything

Hope that is seen is no Hope at all

Romans 8:18-27
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Is God Enough?

In times of waiting, we wait for someone or something.

In times of pursuit, we have a goal or a desire in mind.

All actions, all thoughts, all emotions, all desires have a purpose within our soul and spirit.

Who defines that purpose, or pursuit, our waiting period?

I write thousands of pages of my deepest thoughts, shelves are full of my very soul.

These books sit on display just waiting to be read, collecting dust, displaying their spine to a room full of distractions and despise.

There are desires, emotions, questions I have deep inside and on days when I'm not sure I can catch my next breath, I fear that I will swallow my deepest desires even deeper inside my soul.

How can some display their worth so boldly and yet others remain diamonds in the ruff.

Society values worth on display, fancy stages, sparkly lights, words elegantly printed on sheets of rich paper, a shallow base of value that only appears skin deep.

Is God enough? The one that reads my soul, the one who holds my heart in His hand when there are no lights, no stages, no words, and when my value seems to pale in comparison to all those around. Are my writings worthy of Him alone? Is my heart's desires understood when no one else will listen? Is His attention enough to give me hope when all seems lost?

The Desires of This Weary Heart

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

James 4:2-3 "You want something but you don't get it. You kill and covet but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, 'today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a midst that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'if it is the Lord's will we will live and do this or that.'"

Purpose in peace, pleasure in pain, understanding in chaos, comfort in contentment, strength in standing--these are my desires. A heart that is jaded does not know truly how to feel, for peace, contentment, and comfort become signs of weakness. The heart builds its walls to never be taken by surprise, to defend against all that seems safe to love.

We feel we have desires but our hearts are no longer our own--they are appendages once given to the world and damaged from a society of jealousy and fear.

My true heart is the one I hide in books, in pages only to be seen by the ink that writes its emotions. My heart does not have needs other than to beat but my heart has desires for understanding, for answers to the questions of why.

I don't know my soul--I only know what it feels, when it rejoices and when it cries. I feel every emotion but rarely understand its origination. What are the desires of my heart? The feelings I bleed on these pages--is there purpose? Is there peace? Can there be comfort and pleasure?

My strength is in standing, when I lift my heart to the sky and say, "My heart, Lord, is yours to do with what you desire, when I have not words to speak--I send to you my heart to hold above these walls."