James 4:2-3 "You want something but you don't get it. You kill and covet but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."
James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, 'today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a midst that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'if it is the Lord's will we will live and do this or that.'"
Purpose in peace, pleasure in pain, understanding in chaos, comfort in contentment, strength in standing--these are my desires. A heart that is jaded does not know truly how to feel, for peace, contentment, and comfort become signs of weakness. The heart builds its walls to never be taken by surprise, to defend against all that seems safe to love.
We feel we have desires but our hearts are no longer our own--they are appendages once given to the world and damaged from a society of jealousy and fear.
My true heart is the one I hide in books, in pages only to be seen by the ink that writes its emotions. My heart does not have needs other than to beat but my heart has desires for understanding, for answers to the questions of why.
I don't know my soul--I only know what it feels, when it rejoices and when it cries. I feel every emotion but rarely understand its origination. What are the desires of my heart? The feelings I bleed on these pages--is there purpose? Is there peace? Can there be comfort and pleasure?
My strength is in standing, when I lift my heart to the sky and say, "My heart, Lord, is yours to do with what you desire, when I have not words to speak--I send to you my heart to hold above these walls."
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