Light of My life

I sat drinking my first cup of coffee--my usual saturday ritual--starring out to the park and watching the horizon. Today I sat looking not just for leaves falling from trees, but for renewl. The song "Sound of Melodies" came on and at that moment the sun broke through the clouds and streamed in so bright and bold.

It was blinding--I couldn't help but close my eyes and soke in its warmth and light. My moment with God could be explained away with attributing it to a weather pattern, but it is the feeling within my soul, my connection with something that brought such inner peace that could not be explained away so easily.

I felt surrounded and not by the usual walls I build around my heart to provide protection from the pain, fear, and hesitations I have within this life. This warmth, this renewl, this blanket of peace was greater than any wall I could ever make for myself. My protector, My God, My perfect peace--a feeling I never wanted to leave me.

The clouds quickly kept moving and the sun soon became hidden again, but it was the moment just five minutes before that awakened me to know that my God is behind every cloud and that His power can not be contained by mere human circumstance.

I can not explain away His presence

I can not attribute to words His power

I can merely close my eye and say,

"Lord, Jehovah, Redeemer--fill my soul with your light."

Inspired by Design

I love the feeling of opening a brand new journal--the crisp, blank page stares at you just waiting to capture new words, feelings, and emotions.

A blank canvas inspires me as it's textured white expanse await vibrant colors and brush strokes that will make the ordinary something extraordinary.

A snow covered path that has yet to be touched--a perfect blanket of white innocence that makes me feel more alive as I leave my mark on the world one footprint at a time.

New beginnings always sound desirable until you are standing at the crossroad. An artist anticipates the first stroke, the writer ponders their first word, a journeyman excites over undiscovered land, but why then is a life filled with unknowns and a severed past terrifying?

When we are not the creator, not the one making the course; what was once inspirational now becomes a battle of trust. To hand over the brush, to close the journal, to close one's eyes and take the first step is faith that there is one who is inspired by more than what I can comprehend.

I am now the journal, the canvas, the uncharted path and it is God, the Ultimate Creator, who makes me into His own creation.

Seasons of Comfort

She sits in quiet stillness-- a renewal to her stress filled body.

Her world is full of irony as her wishes somehow become misdirected realities of unquenchable release.

She finds her deepest conversations alone during a mid-morning walk, her greatest friends are those who see her through every season: the blossom of the spring flower, the cicadas loud cry in the summer, the crispness of a leaf in the fall, and the smoothness of an icicle reaching down in the winter.



These are her consistencies, these are her faithful companions--the things she captures and surrounds herself with in her moments of loneliness when the noise becomes too much.

Nature's beauty, its rawness, its vulnerability to conditions beyond its control--its unique ability to be faithful without reason, to be beautiful without help, and to speak to her soul without words.

She never feels alone in this quiet stillness because it is in this moment her head and her heart listen to something beyond the audible, beyond the sensational, and beyond the approachable--is is in this moment that she is humbled to hear what God has to say to her beyond what mere words can capture.

Waiting...

There are many days I feel I'd like to fast forward through my life but then there are those moments I'd like to pause and embrace for as long as I can. The moments when stillness overcomes my soul, when inspiration fills my heart, and when contentment overtakes desire. It is in this moment that I feel God is only a breath away, that my life seems trivial in comparison to His eternity, and where my plans surrender to His purpose.

I close my eyes wishing this to never go away--I breathe in deep as if it's my last--My fight is gone as I surrender to His power. I'm filled with a joy that can't be taken away by mere circumstance, I hold it close to my heart and guard it with stillness.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

--Psalm 27:14

I am eager, I feel ready, I desire more but yet I wait, and in moments of frustration and eager anticipation as I'm rushing the gate I fail to understand that it is my heart He desires. It is not a song, it is not a poem, a picture, a song, it is a heart that waits.

I will wait...I wont run...My hands are yours...

My perfect surrender I know is not enough, but to You I give it all.

You are the Potter and I am the Clay

There is a stirring in my heart, a deep desire of my mind, and an ache in my soul to be something more. Anonymity has its place in a world full of meaningless accolades. I sit restlessly, I run aimlessly, this passion is crippling as its intent overwhelms my capabilities. Who am I in the midst of it all? What is my blank canvas, where is my display for this creativity that sits kept in a box just waiting to be opened? For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord--a promise of hope He states, but my hope seems to be my fear most days. This hope I posses, this hope I am given, it it not my own?

As grace is a gift, peace a promise, hope happens despite my attempts, desires, fears and ambitions. My hope does not come from these eager hands, this overflowing mind, or this blank canvas before me. Who has created my inspiration? Who has awakened this heart of mine? My canvas, my colors, my thoughts, my plans come from the one who created the world from blankness--who created black and white expanses of separation to a world he soon filled with colors.

I can never finish the picture, I never know how to finish the project, my words never seem complete, my heart always feels full; but these pictures are not my own, these words lack deeper understanding, my heart is not my own, my projects are mirror reflections to something greater within. So I paint to the one that creates inspiration, my words are directed to He who reads between them, my purpose is His plan--this chaos within I give to Him to create something beautiful.

Ecclesiastes 8:16-17

When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth--his eyes not seeing sleep day or night--then I saw all that God had done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it.

Amazing beauty, I am at a loss

It's Your Grace that bore my cross

Focus

Focus

I often lose my focus, the expanse of the world around me is to much to filter, to much to take in, to much to make sense of, and to much to understand. Colors blend together and lines become fog as I stand in one place with the world spinning madly around me. How do you see the world around you? What do the colors project? What do the lines define? Must each person see the same thing, relate to the same thing, objectify the same thing?

Life is art--it is the ability to capture an everyday occurrence, zoom in on one item and be able to blur the background until that item, your item, becomes your focus. I walk and pass a leaf and to me I see a green blur as I focus on the path in front of me, but the very next day I take notice of a single solitary leaf and the path in front of me begins to blur as I draw my attention to every vein, every cell, every pigment of color reflecting off that one single item.

Life is sometimes lived in the blur and other times it is captured in the details--each have their beauty, each have their purpose, without the other the one would not help balance the other. Focus requires balance- the ability to move forward, step backwards, see your surroundings, but understand your focal point.

As I set my attention to Christ the world around me blurs and creates a backdrop of millions of colors and patterns to illuminate and capture my focus of His power, His beauty, and His purpose.

The World is a Blur to me

Doors Closing

I find myself stretched in so many directions trying to keep all the doors from closing, but I’m stretched to thin and the darkness is setting in. I flinch in anticipation of the noise that will permeate these walls with the slamming of memories that have been. As if my heart will shatter into two, I stand guarded not knowing what to do. Like a leaf that clings to the tree in the midst of a changing season, I hesitate to let go for fear of the vulnerability and exposure of falling alone.

Hope waits on the opposite side of each door; I strain for understanding but wait for promises. I get pulled back in by doubt and fear locks the key to my heart. A half hearted attempt is all I have to give, stuck in the space of the in-between, waiting to be led but willing myself to move. Strength is not in numbers it is in you, but my head can’t stop the math that my heart feels within.

Eyes closed, I will my heart to make the first move. I dare one foot to be braver than the other, knuckles are white as I hold on tight, and I gasp for air as if it will be my last. Letting go has never been easy to do. Fingers slip from the mold, I’m losing my hold—I’m letting go, willing myself to grow—finding that I can’t breathe, not sure what to believe.

I am broken as I fall into You—nothing left to give but these pieces of broken heart I’ve been holding on to. I am deafened by the sound of silence as doors close with no noise, all that I thought I knew I give to you. Be my eyes in this darkness, my strength in this weakness, be my guide when I want to run and hide. You are my hope, my reason, my dream, take these pieces that are left of me.

Hope

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It's not about making my life happen--

it's about letting my life happen.

Perspective

How does one find perspective in the moments where all perspective is lost?

How do you regain your focus with faulty eyes?

Faith is putting hope in what is not seen; it trusts the perspective of someone other than you.

Pain and heartache come from the unknown, the inability to understand.

Hope is putting faith in what cannot be understood; it trusts the plan of someone other than you.

Happiness seems relative to the changes that take place outside of self.

Joy is the unconditional perspective when faulty eyes fail to see what was once known, it's the ability to trust someone other than you, hope in something other than what is known, and live a life that is not dependent on the fleeting emotions of a world without perspective.

The Process

Breathe in, Breathe out, the mind races as the body stands still--the inability to move physically but the desperate desire to be stopped emotionally from walking off that ledge of sanity.

The fear consumes, a madness of hopes turns into an utter feeling of failure. So many questions, so little answers. I race my mind trying to discover some missing piece that will complete this puzzle of peace.

The heart races leaving no room for the lungs to fill with any air--suffocating on fear is my constant enemy. Wanting what I can't have, holding what I so desperately want to give away--the irony of this push and pull life.

Life moving in constant motion, spinning aimlessly around me, my feet planted so firmly in this sinking sand. I look to move but my paths are full of dusty sinking sands.

Do You Trust Me?

A voice from Heaven or a phrase from this crazy brain? slowing down, breathing in--

Do You Trust Me?

Finally feeling something outside of myself, I take that first step looking for what I can only hear--

Do You Trust Me?

In motion, my brain stills trying to capture this voice that is finally different then my own, one step, two steps--the path has hardened--

Do You Trust Me?

Just when I had lost trust in myself there is another asking me for His-

Do You Trust Me?

Breathing in, breathing out, sanity regained, I find myself responding--arms stretched out, screaming on the inside...

I desperately want to.

Perspective As A Mirror

I was walking at dusk tonight and every moment felt like one that should be captured by a photograph. The sun was setting behind the landscape with bright bold colors of red, yellow, and orange illuminating the sky and creating a backdrop to all of creation. Even normal every day items like a swing, a bench, a fallen leaf seemed important as the sky brought their details to my attention. As quickly as I was making mental snapshots, the sun quickly set behind the houses and that moment of amazing color and brilliance was gone until it's show tomorrow.

I wondered to myself--where am I every night that I miss such a brilliant scene of nature? What else am I missing, taking for granted, or assuming does not exist? As Romans 3:34 states, "What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness?" Nature changes depending on where you live, but because I do not see the snow capped mountains does not mean that they do not exist. If one does not experience the changing colors of leaves from vibrant green to brilliant red, does this change not take place? Everywhere we are, no matter where we are, God has put His creation, His creativity, His power and beauty around us. Romans 1:20 "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--His eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

Perspective is relative though to one who's eyes are taking in the scenes around them. To one person a setting sun over the horizon inspires hope and creates a stirring of the spirit to express emotions, words, and feelings; but to another, that very setting sun creates fear, anxiety, and depression as they know that darkness will soon follow.

Our personalities, beliefs, histories, feelings, and emotions cause us all to have different reactions to things and to see images, shapes, and colors uniquely than that of another.

"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

One's perspective of the world is a mirror to their feelings and emotions within.

The eyes see what the soul tells it to.

One's perspective reflects who they are as a person.

The Plan

The Plan is Not to Have a Plan

A friend used to tell me, "The plan is not to have a plan." There are some of us who like to live life by the seat of our pants, Que sera sera; and then there are others who need a plan, need structure, and need to know what to expect in order to relax. I don't know why it's one or the other but what I do know, is that if you try to make the laid back person be scheduled they will go insane and if you try to make the structured person more laid back, they go insane. Our personalities are so hard wired that very rarely will one ever change. I'm a person who needs a plan, I want to be prepared, and I can't relax and enjoy the moment until I know what to expect; however, those simple words, "The plan is not to have a plan," were enough to make me feel secure and settled in that moment. I knew to expect not to expect--funny how easy we can manipulate our brains.

Sometimes in life I get so stressed trying to make my life happen, trying to make lists and goals, that I fail to realize that my life is already happening. When I follow my heart instead of a list, I actually accomplish more, I enjoy my tasks and activities, and I take the pressure off of myself by not having to accomplish crazy things just to have a sense of completion.

I take my dog Rigby for a walk and he will get so excited that he will pull and gag himself just trying to get himself an inch further ahead of where he is. He wants control and wants to pull because he's so anxious to see what's ahead. He doesn't realize that the leash is for his own safety and that I am his protector. He has 10 feet of bliss he could be enjoying without the anxiety and the gagging. God is our protector, what often feels like being held back is God maintaining our boundary of safety. He gives us adequate room to move and live and enjoy our lives, but we are always pulling ourselves forward trying desperately to get ourselves to a destination that we don't even know exists. We cause ourselves physical and mental harm in this process of discontenment, when God is asking us to walk with Him, trust His guidance, and enjoy the journey that He is taking us on.

Lists and goals are necessary at times to help us remember and to give us an extra push but more often then not, I feel that God is telling us, "The plan is for you to not have a plan and to trust My Plan."

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11

Welcome to my own little world

We all have an awakening moment in our lives-- that moment when you have an epiphany, an idea or a feeling and you realize that you're not waiting for life to happen, you are going to go and make it happen.

Making it happen only involves an open mind and a spirit of determination and confidence. It's realizing that whether you are single or married your life is happening now and you can be the one that chooses how you handle what God places before you.

For the past few years, I have not handled things very well. I was stuck in a moment, a memory, a heartache that I allowed to tint my view of all things within my life. I kept waiting for that hand to come guide me, for my heart to be fixed, and for my fairy tale ending to become a present day reality. I became consumed with anxiety and fear, I was a victim of my own life and I was desperate for the feeling of safety. It seemed the more doors I tried to open the more doors God seemed to close. The passions I focused on to cover my pain only became more complex elements of pain.

I don't understand the past, I can't make sense of the present, and I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that God does. My God is a God who makes happy endings; however, it is the journey of getting there that is brutal; but through all my ups and downs--the poor Me's and the victim mentality, God's promise has proved true "For I will never leave you nor forsake you." You can only work with what God has put in front of you. When I stopped trying to make my life happen I realized that my life was happening. When I was content with less I grew in abundance. When I stopped focusing on me is when I began to better understand me.

Each person has this unexplainable moment in their lives where they give up the struggle and allow the healing, it is different for each but the end result is always the same--

A life that is lived for God and not for self.