Beauty to Behold, Freedom to Create

To sing a song, empowered by such emotion, that my voice stretches to make its power known.

To run such a race, that my body glistens in response to the endurance I put it through.

To write a novel, with words so inspiring, that it provokes thought to those that read it.

To paint with vibrant colors, to leave my presence, a mark of beauty on the ordinary.

We were all born in the image of our creator—A Creator who put within us the desire to sing, run, write, or paint—to bring a mark of beauty within our world, to mirror our heavenly father, and to create something of greatness with our own human hands.

I often find myself desperate for an escape, for a release, to somehow make sense of all that I feel inside by creating beauty from the chaos. I don’t want to medicate the feelings, don’t want to sweep them under a rug, I want to find the beauty in all I feel, the journey life brings me through, I want to give back to God a gift of beauty. It is only in creating that I find peace, that I find understanding, that I make sense of all the colors and textures within my life. It is only in taking the time to understand how all the pieces fit together, how one color compliments another, and how the darkness sometimes brings depth to the light that I can fully understand all that I feel inside.

What I often forget though is that God is the ultimate creator and that while my pieces are original to me, they have always been known to Him. I get so caught up in the design, in the plan, in the originality of life that I lose perspective, I waste my energy and emotion on trying to control rather than create and reflect the image of the creator. My place is to reflect, to utilize, and to make beauty out of what He gives to me. Every day I have the ability to make something beautiful, to be something inspiring—He gives me the gift of being an artist, he gives me the stage, the tools, and the talent. He says to each of us, “sing me a song, run me a race, write me a novel, paint me a portrait.”

It is in our free will to form a melody, to find a path, to open the pages, and to swirl the brush—He gives us freedom to express ourselves, to find ourselves, and to be a part of the beauty that He created in and around all of us.

Fighting the Good Fight

Nothing is as it seems...
Hidden motives, Hidden agendas, a world of revisions and surprises creeping around every corner--nothing is as it seems. Constant comparisons, agendas with selfish reasoning, choices seem to be made by others before they even allow you to answer.
Your life starts feeling not like your own as you jump through hoops, race against the time lines of others, and as you look for truth in a world of lies.

What is real? What is truth? What can be trusted? Who can be trusted?

I find myself angry, consumed by rage as I fall for all the lies, a fool, just another hoping for truth, falling for hope and in the end feeling void of it all. Everyday I awake to a world that keeps wanting more of the nothing I have left to give.
There is no escape, there is no justice, there is no revenge; just another fool constantly believing in hope with a heart that refuses to turn cold but a head that rages inside to find that who I am is more than who I am not.

What do you stand for?
What do you believe in?
Who are you beyond a world of lies?

I feel at times if I merely say "Your will be done" then I lose the battle of standing against all the injustice. I want to be heard, I want to rise above but yet feel my place is to sit, to be silent, and to just accept all that is. I want to fight--I can't allow the lies to become truth.

I'm fighting myself, fighting with those I love, fighting it all; just because I long to be heard, long to feel alive, long to feel of purpose. I want my life to be enough, I want my worth to be enough without the constant comparisons, without the lies that disguise themselves as truth.

I feel lost, feel hidden, feel consumed by all that I'm not--
I do not even know who I am anymore.
I wonder though if I've let myself go to far into this world, if I am in to deep with what I do, what I think, what I watch, what I read, and what i listen to? I see injustice all around but I wonder if I've often placed myself in these battle zones that are not mine to fight.

Some may say Christianity is a bubble or that Christians separate themselves from the world, but this is truth...

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

I can only find who I am when I stop conforming to the pattern of this world. Not every battle is mine to fight, mine to make right, mine to find the justice in. I find myself in Christ, I find my footing, my stability, my peace in renewing my mind on things of Heaven.
The scripture does not say "to test and approve what God's will is not." We seek truth. I can't run after discovering who I am not--I have to know who I am and live so that when I am tested, when I am in a battle, I don't dwell on who I'm not but on who I AM.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

If you are Seeking God--You are who you are supposed to be.
If you are Seeking God's will--You are where you're supposed to be.

God promises peace for those that seek Him--If I am consumed by anger then who or what am I pursuing?

What fight are you fighting?

From the Inside Out- Hilsong (Lyrics)

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out.

Journals and Thoughts Proof to a God of Faithfulness

Sometimes the journey takes us on a course that leaves us without words, without understanding, and without the resolve to find the deeper meaning behind all that has taken place, all that is taking place, and what these moments mean for future growth. My journey is either lacking words or my brain is lacking understanding, but the only conclusion I can grasp through it all is that sometimes we are just meant to live and not to understand; sometimes there is not a deeper meaning to a struggle other than just surviving the attack. I will be vulnerable in saying that these past two weeks I have been overwhelmed by life lessons I thought I had mastered a time ago. Struggles that I had hoped would be but only a memory, show their face and I am left without words. I can’t help but feel weak and defeated in not heeding my own advice, my own depth from past situations, and somehow not mastering a challenge that I had once found insight in before. I think God does this on purpose, I think he makes us realize that it is not our own insight and analogies that bring healing and growth, but Him alone. He alone brings healing, peace, redemption, and hope. The chapters we write and the journals that collect are just written proof of his faithfulness time and time again through every hill and every valley. I may not have words today but that does not mean that the battle is not being fought and that hope is not being sought. When there are no words, when there is no understanding, we have to hold on to God’s word and in God’s understanding for our lives. We aren’t meant to figure it out on our own, sometimes he wants our undivided attention, our uncompromising trust, and our ability to remain silent when everything inside of us screams out loud to be heard.


Do You Trust Me? He asks again….

What my answer will be is the only word He needs from me.