Do Not Run

When God is teaching you a lesson—sometimes he has to prove his point literally. His lesson to me in all of my fighting these past years has been “Do Not Run.” I am quite stubborn, ask anyone who knows me well, I usually end up pushing myself until I crash, try to take control of the chaos, and create a plan or a list of how to accomplish things. I get so used to the “me against the world” mentality that I carry way too much on my shoulders and often times rely more on me then on God. I get confused often with the concept of giving things to God because mentally it often feels that I have failed or that I am weak so I push and I push. I tell God, Hey, thanks for the offer, but I got this. All I have are tired shoulders, and a worn path from all my spinning in circles. I think God must look down and laugh at us.

It took God touching Jacob’s hip socket to get Jacob to give up the fight and to face the awesome reality that God is all powerful, all knowing, and ever present. When we fail to allow God to be God in our lives, how can he get our attention? How can he make us realize that He alone carries the world on his shoulders, that He alone keeps it in rotation, and that He alone controls all powers of this world? We are not the gods of our universe, though we often try to prove to God that we are.

It took God allowing a health issue to stop me in my tracks (literally), I had to stop running, I had to physically slow down, relax (a foreign concept), and find out what my world meant when I wasn’t the one running in circles trying to keep it spinning.

It seems so simple; God proving himself to us in the everyday areas of our lives. What is going on in your life right now that you are fighting? That you are battling? That seems like a thorn in your side? It could be God trying to get your attention. We are not as big as we seem to think we are but we are also not so small that God will not teach us lessons through our everyday lives.

When you start looking at hardships as lessons you will walk away as Jacob did and say…”It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.” There are blessings in hardships because Gods intent is for us to be like Jacob and to “overcome.”
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Genesis 32:22-31.

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered.
Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.

Do You Trust God with Your Story?

I find myself continually questioning the journey God has brought me on. If I do in fact believe it is a Journey that God, Himself, has placed me on, then who am I to question His reasoning? My questioning comes from my lack of faith in God and not the journey.

I pray to God sincere prayers of my deepest desires to be led by His hand, by His will, and by His understanding and as He answers my prayers, I question him the entire way. I am like the annoying child in the back of the car asking, “Are we there yet? Why are we going this way? Why did she/he get to go the other way?” I am constantly trying to judge my journey on fairness, on my own earthly understanding, and by my own selfish motives.

I have a hard time understanding why there were some broken roads along the path, why others who are dear to me have had broken roads in their pasts, and how to make sense of the brokenness in who I am today. I only know my story, but I find myself so often trying to depict everyone else’s story to make sense of my own. If he did this then, then what does that make me now? As if it will all fit together like a giant puzzle in my mind, I mull over the pieces of life and try to find a picture of something, someone, and anything that brings clarity to the questions of my heart.

I think the hardest part of faith, is in knowing that there will be questions which will not have answers on our time frame. The very meaning of faith is the belief in something you cannot see, trusting in someone you cannot fathom, and believing that there is a greater power than that of your own.

Are you confident in Christ? That is the question I ask myself today. I can spend a lifetime focusing on the pieces of the puzzle, or I can step back, broaden my vision, and embrace the picture. Our life has hundreds of pieces that form a magnificent picture. The beauty does not come from the piece but from the whole—life is a process, a journey. Do you trust God with the pieces of your heart? Do you trust God with the bigger picture? Do you trust God with your story?

Waiting to be Inspired

I find myself in waiting....
I am always waiting for the right direction, the right feeling, the right time and more often then not I'm left with a feeling of frustration, of agitation, and finally of feeling that what I am waiting for will never come. I have to admit that I often neglect to write on this blog because I find myself waiting for something inspirational to write, something profound to say, or something that will leave its mark on someone's heart.

I think the truth to it all is--what inspires you? Do you write for the acclaims of others? Do you write for the possibility of fame or fortune? Your purpose, your intention behind your passion and your pursuits defines your inspiration. I have found lately that I try to tell myself it is my faith that inspires and it is my God who serves as my inspiration, but then why does it never feel enough if I do not feel seen by this world or heard by the masses of others or complimented on what I call my passion? If I am honest with myself my inspiration comes from the world around me, I am just another girl trying to find where she fits in this world and allowing those around her to be her compass. It's difficult not to take what others say to heart, to not want to influence those around you, and to not feel slighted when we are not lifted up by your peers.

Pure inspiration can not be derived off of the fleeting opinions of others, to truly be inspired does not rest on the acceptance or resistance of critics and the value of inspiration is not derived from a dollar sign. What then defines and provokes what we are inspired by and inspired to?

What is it I love to do? If I was hauled away into seclusion for a month's time what is it that I would do that would feed my soul, provoke emotion, and give me the feeling of truly living?
Who do I do these things for? What do I hope to gain by doing these things?

It is only when you strip it all down do you begin to see why it is you live the way you do, who you live for, and what you define your purpose as.

I write this only because I've gotten distracted, I've gotten my priorities lost, and I've become one who has looked everywhere and anywhere for inspiration except for my own heart. I lost trust in myself, I got lost in the opinions of others, and wrestled with God for my purpose. If I were alone for a month's time I would capture beauty in nature, I would reflect with words to what my heart and my emotions felt in each day, I would use my hands to create what I felt was worthy and I would try to find who I was without the distractions of a world full of false inspiration. It is not about me, It is not about those around me...It is about my relationship with God. I am no use to myself or to those around me unless I am first at peace with God. He alone is my inspiration, He alone creates and stirs the desires of my heart. When my heart is focused on Him, then my mind is filled with inspiration; when my eyes are on him then my hands are ready for service; when my ears are open to his leading then my feet are ready to walk in his direction.

I am inspired by God in all that I do, all that runs out of my mind, body, and spirit are first and foremost praise to the creator who created it all and who allows me to capture His creation through His inspiration. He gives to us unique souls, unique hearts, unique abilities that sets us apart from everyone else but in the end we are all mirroring the same creation, we are all inspired by the same creator, and our labors are all in praise and thanksgiving to the one who inspires us each and everyday with every sunrise and sunset.