Goodbye 2009

The beginning of a New Year is like the first page of a new journal--fresh, crisp, and clean-- just waiting for new thoughts, new memories, and new accomplishments to be added.

A New Year is like that first breath you take in the crisp cold air--it fills the lungs, rushing throughout your entire body and making you feel alive and invigorated.

Have you ever noticed if you are one who journals that you have half a dozen journals lined up on your shelves all half full but never finished? I've realized this about myself because the first page starts and I'm determined to make a difference, create a change, and prepare my mind and attitude to dwell on things that are positive, beneficial, and honoring to God but then March comes around and I've realized that I've fallen into my old habits. The year's first rainfall comes and I find myself stuck in the mud with no where else to relay my feelings then in my book that I had determined would not be filled with pain and difficulty. You find a new journal with a pretty cover, and fresh, crisp new pages and you decide to try again, and again, and again until you've killed enough trees to write a 5,000 page memoir.

My mom had a post-it note with a clever saying on it, "When you pray for rain, don't be surprised by a little mud." Loneliness, pain, suffering, heartache are all things we try to avoid at every cost; however, the mere avoidance of these things are often the very trigger for our despair because feelings, no matter whether they are positive or negative, are legitimate and are necessary in our growth, acceptance, and understanding of life. After a heavy rain, while the ground is moist, a robin finds it's best dinner; it is also true for us, after a heavy rain in our lives, while the heart is still raw, we will find our greatest growth and reflection.

New Years is an exciting time to look back, look ahead, and see how far we've come, but Christ's grace allows us a clean, crisp, new page each and every day. God is not confined to a 24 hrs day, or 365 days within a year, His purpose and His plan for each of us started before there was time and lasts for all eternity. It is up to you to fill the pages with what is real, what is genuine, and what He teaches you from sunrise to sunset.

Be finished with 2009 and find joy in the newness of 2010 and of each day God graces us with.
Happy New Year!

Just Breathe

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

We take for granted everyday the single act that keeps us living from one moment to the next. The gentle inhale and exhale of breath that escapes and enters through our mouth, brings oxygen to our blood, and renews our organs and brain for strength and function.

During moments of fear or excitement we often hold our breaths, in moments of panic or grief we often breathe to fast--our whole bodies, our mental and emotional status can be determined by a single breath.

Babies know of nothing when they enter this world, they are completely dependent on someone to nurture and teach them ;however, the first act they do on their own is breathe in that breath of life and exhale with hearty lungs a full cry.

Yoga has taught me some of the most valuable life lessons. Yoga is all about the Breath--deep breathing: filling the lungs completely and then releasing completely until there is no air left.

There are difficult poses in yoga which are a test for not only your body but also your mind. One of these poses is called a bind. Your body twists and grabs and bends in ways in which a pretzel is more likely to appear and the instructor says "When you reach an area of resistance, breath deeper into the pose, embrace the pose." When I feel uncomfortable, trapped, a little claustrophobic by my own limbs my breath gets short, my mind starts racing, and I begin to fall out of the pose, but if when I start to feel uncomfortable, when the agitation sets in, I begin to breathe deeper and visualize pushing oxygen to those areas of resistance--I manage to get through the pose.

Life is like yoga--we forget to breathe. Whether times are happy, sad, peaceful, or full of anxiety--our breath should be the same. Time does not move faster or slower in these moments and life has a lot to teach us throughout them all-- if only we would remember to breath and embrace the moment.

Letting Go, Holding On, Letting God

When I have nothing, You are my Everything

Hope that is seen is no Hope at all

Romans 8:18-27
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Is God Enough?

In times of waiting, we wait for someone or something.

In times of pursuit, we have a goal or a desire in mind.

All actions, all thoughts, all emotions, all desires have a purpose within our soul and spirit.

Who defines that purpose, or pursuit, our waiting period?

I write thousands of pages of my deepest thoughts, shelves are full of my very soul.

These books sit on display just waiting to be read, collecting dust, displaying their spine to a room full of distractions and despise.

There are desires, emotions, questions I have deep inside and on days when I'm not sure I can catch my next breath, I fear that I will swallow my deepest desires even deeper inside my soul.

How can some display their worth so boldly and yet others remain diamonds in the ruff.

Society values worth on display, fancy stages, sparkly lights, words elegantly printed on sheets of rich paper, a shallow base of value that only appears skin deep.

Is God enough? The one that reads my soul, the one who holds my heart in His hand when there are no lights, no stages, no words, and when my value seems to pale in comparison to all those around. Are my writings worthy of Him alone? Is my heart's desires understood when no one else will listen? Is His attention enough to give me hope when all seems lost?

The Desires of This Weary Heart

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

James 4:2-3 "You want something but you don't get it. You kill and covet but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, 'today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a midst that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'if it is the Lord's will we will live and do this or that.'"

Purpose in peace, pleasure in pain, understanding in chaos, comfort in contentment, strength in standing--these are my desires. A heart that is jaded does not know truly how to feel, for peace, contentment, and comfort become signs of weakness. The heart builds its walls to never be taken by surprise, to defend against all that seems safe to love.

We feel we have desires but our hearts are no longer our own--they are appendages once given to the world and damaged from a society of jealousy and fear.

My true heart is the one I hide in books, in pages only to be seen by the ink that writes its emotions. My heart does not have needs other than to beat but my heart has desires for understanding, for answers to the questions of why.

I don't know my soul--I only know what it feels, when it rejoices and when it cries. I feel every emotion but rarely understand its origination. What are the desires of my heart? The feelings I bleed on these pages--is there purpose? Is there peace? Can there be comfort and pleasure?

My strength is in standing, when I lift my heart to the sky and say, "My heart, Lord, is yours to do with what you desire, when I have not words to speak--I send to you my heart to hold above these walls."

Burning in the Rain

My hope gets lost in reflections of idealistic joy
These masks and statues of disguise rip apart my pride
Seperating the love one gives from the desires one feels
Love often disguises itself as need for renewl of yesterday's fall
Hope becomes a manipulation of desire for tomorrow's need
Purity of heart and mind is taken at such an early age
Fear and rage seem to be our only saving grace in turning the page
I'm scared to give what I feel I no longer have, to take what is not mine,
and to dream that which will disappear
What is real and what is mirage?
I'm desperate to give my all but I'm so weary from the fall
Passion burns within but I'm a flame burning in a world of rain
I am so scared to give my heart away, so I give it to you Lord to
do with what You may.

As I was typing this a God moment occured and this song started playing--God never ceases to amaze me. In times of loneliness, despair, joy, and happiness--He sits and relishes these moments with His children.

She never slows down. She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down She won't turn around The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down [CHORUS] So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down You stand through the pain You won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found You stand in the rain She won't make a sound Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down She wants to be found The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down. [CHORUS] So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down You stand through the pain You won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found You stand in the rain So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down Stand through the pain You won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found [CHORUS] So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down You stand through the pain You won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found You stand in the rain.
--"Stand in the Rain"
--- By Superchic(k)

Spread Your Wings

I’m like a butterfly trying to spread her wings—fearful that these new appendages won’t withstand flight. She knows only of the ground, her safety net—her security throughout her growth and struggle of becoming who she is. She is supposed to let go—soar without her feet being on the ground, and live this life of freedom away from her cocoon of comfort.

She stands first in disbelief and she finds her footing and spreads her wings wondering how something so light and so fragile can withstand the turbulence and havoc of a world in full motion.

I dare you to move—I dare you to lift yourself up from this fragile ground

Who provides the breeze that pushes all things forward? Who provides the hiding places of sweet surrender when nature becomes more forceful then our own inner battle? Who gives the spirit the courage to raise them one inch beyond where they previously stood?
We find ourselves in flight with the sun as our guide but in darkness we are secured and tucked away from all that is hidden in the shadows.

I feel the warmth on my wings as they spread open, revealing their full colors of humble artistry, I am guided by a force greater than my own, my path is unknown but my destination is all too familiar.

There is no expanse, no flower, no blade of grass that the Creator does not see, that He has not planted, or that He has not breathed life into.

Isaiah 40:31
…but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Waiting vs. Settling

In Church today the Pastor discussed the short comings of individuals today is settling within their lives. Whether it be their faith, their relationships with others, their jobs, or their current physical/emotional state, at times we all have the thought run across our minds that "This is it." Settling brings with it an overwhelming sense of despair and of hopelessness, it is the darkness of depression that begins to shadow one's life with an ever constant sense that nothing you can do will make things any better and therefore you should just give up the fight and deal with the hand you were dealt.

Waiting is a word that you will see multiple times within the scripture:

Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD."

Often times I find myself getting the term waiting and settling confused. I start out with good intentions of wanting to wait on the Lord but then my human nature creeps in and the Devil preys on my weaknesses and I begin to question and fear that maybe I'm settling. I'm a fighter, I do not like the idea of settling, I am terrified with the concept of settling and often times my human pride pushes me to try to make more of my life because of this deep fear. I hear God say wait, but I question that maybe I am hearing that wrong because God can't want me to be unhappy, He can't possibly want me to remain in a situation that I can not find happiness in.

There is this inner battle every minute of every day of trying to give all things to God and then trying to quiet the doubts and fears within my own mind of giving up the fight. I'm exhausted by the fight though, my spirit is so worn down because of this constant battle I put myself through that after a while, I don't even know what I'm fighting for other than just the act itself. We are creatures of chaos--we've been taught in our lives that we need to be strong, we need to push ourselves, we need to conquer our battles and prepare ourselves for any situation. We put ourselves in constant motion because if our feet are moving, if our arms are strong, if we can outrun our problems then we are winning the fight. But what are we fighting for? What is our focus, our purpose, or deepest desires?

Ephesians 3:20

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..."

We are only settling when we do not trust God with the desires of our heart. As the passage states, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine;" God knows our hearts, He understands our desires, but He also knows our weaknesses and shortcomings within our wants and desires. I long to have faith in a God that knows me better than I know myself, who understands what I'm thinking and feeling when I do not have the words to express myself, I choose to trust in a God who has a purpose for me and a plan for me when I feel that all hope is lost. Waiting on the Lord is the complete opposite of settling because we are not without hope--we instead are putting our hope in someone else's hands other than our own. This act takes the greatest strength any man or woman may posses and defines the very act of faith.

2 Thessalonians 3:5

May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.

The List

For the past few years I've been obsessed with lists--lists that state who I am, who I hope to become; lists that specified what I wanted and what I didn't want. Lists of boundaries, lists of goals, everything had a place written in ink on a line that could be seen outside of my own mind. I thought for sure that if I wrote it all out it would somehow be more likely to happen, nothing and no one could take it away from me and on days when I forgot who I was, it would be there to remind me, to push and pull me where I needed to go. I was so scared of losing myself, of being misunderstood, over looked, of becoming invisible that it was my plea to prove my value, my importance, my significance in this world.

When you get stuck in a victim mentality, you become fixated on what was taken from you and how you get it back. I've become obsessed with my hobbies, the things I once enjoyed: exercise, photography, writing, television even. They have all become things I feel I have to do in order to prove who I am. To show others that This is Me-This is Who I am--You can't take these things from me because--SEE, THIS IS ME! The problem with this mentality is that it requires an audience--someone who has to see your work, hear your words, feel your strength. Your sense of self is no longer what you project but what you receive as feedback from others.

In times of severe loneliness, we then have no sense of self worth because all that we do is not noticed, what we feel is not heard or seen, and there are no medals or ribbons of praise in what we've accomplished or proved:

Do we lose ourselves in the silence?

Do we lose ourselves in the loneliness?

Do we lose ourselves without the lists?

An Ipod comes programed from the factory, you may modify it, add to it, change it's appearance, but when it becomes "broken" or "in need of a fix" you restore factory settings and it returns to what it originally was--it's core. Things can be added/modified to it once again, but it's core can never be changed except by the creator.

We were made/designed with a core purpose. Our lives, actions, emotions, add and sometimes modify the core's appearance. Who we are--our joys, our fears, our loves and our dislikes can't be taken away, can't be changed. We can lose focus, lose our footing, but we never lose ourselves.

A painting, a book, a finish line, a ceremony, and a list do not make us who we are--they only reflect what is our core.

Life is not about proving who you are, it is about proving that the Creator knows who we are when the world doesn't.

There is beauty in emptiness, there is melody in silence,

there is character in stillness, and there is reason in doubt.

Light of My life

I sat drinking my first cup of coffee--my usual saturday ritual--starring out to the park and watching the horizon. Today I sat looking not just for leaves falling from trees, but for renewl. The song "Sound of Melodies" came on and at that moment the sun broke through the clouds and streamed in so bright and bold.

It was blinding--I couldn't help but close my eyes and soke in its warmth and light. My moment with God could be explained away with attributing it to a weather pattern, but it is the feeling within my soul, my connection with something that brought such inner peace that could not be explained away so easily.

I felt surrounded and not by the usual walls I build around my heart to provide protection from the pain, fear, and hesitations I have within this life. This warmth, this renewl, this blanket of peace was greater than any wall I could ever make for myself. My protector, My God, My perfect peace--a feeling I never wanted to leave me.

The clouds quickly kept moving and the sun soon became hidden again, but it was the moment just five minutes before that awakened me to know that my God is behind every cloud and that His power can not be contained by mere human circumstance.

I can not explain away His presence

I can not attribute to words His power

I can merely close my eye and say,

"Lord, Jehovah, Redeemer--fill my soul with your light."

Inspired by Design

I love the feeling of opening a brand new journal--the crisp, blank page stares at you just waiting to capture new words, feelings, and emotions.

A blank canvas inspires me as it's textured white expanse await vibrant colors and brush strokes that will make the ordinary something extraordinary.

A snow covered path that has yet to be touched--a perfect blanket of white innocence that makes me feel more alive as I leave my mark on the world one footprint at a time.

New beginnings always sound desirable until you are standing at the crossroad. An artist anticipates the first stroke, the writer ponders their first word, a journeyman excites over undiscovered land, but why then is a life filled with unknowns and a severed past terrifying?

When we are not the creator, not the one making the course; what was once inspirational now becomes a battle of trust. To hand over the brush, to close the journal, to close one's eyes and take the first step is faith that there is one who is inspired by more than what I can comprehend.

I am now the journal, the canvas, the uncharted path and it is God, the Ultimate Creator, who makes me into His own creation.

Seasons of Comfort

She sits in quiet stillness-- a renewal to her stress filled body.

Her world is full of irony as her wishes somehow become misdirected realities of unquenchable release.

She finds her deepest conversations alone during a mid-morning walk, her greatest friends are those who see her through every season: the blossom of the spring flower, the cicadas loud cry in the summer, the crispness of a leaf in the fall, and the smoothness of an icicle reaching down in the winter.



These are her consistencies, these are her faithful companions--the things she captures and surrounds herself with in her moments of loneliness when the noise becomes too much.

Nature's beauty, its rawness, its vulnerability to conditions beyond its control--its unique ability to be faithful without reason, to be beautiful without help, and to speak to her soul without words.

She never feels alone in this quiet stillness because it is in this moment her head and her heart listen to something beyond the audible, beyond the sensational, and beyond the approachable--is is in this moment that she is humbled to hear what God has to say to her beyond what mere words can capture.

Waiting...

There are many days I feel I'd like to fast forward through my life but then there are those moments I'd like to pause and embrace for as long as I can. The moments when stillness overcomes my soul, when inspiration fills my heart, and when contentment overtakes desire. It is in this moment that I feel God is only a breath away, that my life seems trivial in comparison to His eternity, and where my plans surrender to His purpose.

I close my eyes wishing this to never go away--I breathe in deep as if it's my last--My fight is gone as I surrender to His power. I'm filled with a joy that can't be taken away by mere circumstance, I hold it close to my heart and guard it with stillness.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

--Psalm 27:14

I am eager, I feel ready, I desire more but yet I wait, and in moments of frustration and eager anticipation as I'm rushing the gate I fail to understand that it is my heart He desires. It is not a song, it is not a poem, a picture, a song, it is a heart that waits.

I will wait...I wont run...My hands are yours...

My perfect surrender I know is not enough, but to You I give it all.

You are the Potter and I am the Clay

There is a stirring in my heart, a deep desire of my mind, and an ache in my soul to be something more. Anonymity has its place in a world full of meaningless accolades. I sit restlessly, I run aimlessly, this passion is crippling as its intent overwhelms my capabilities. Who am I in the midst of it all? What is my blank canvas, where is my display for this creativity that sits kept in a box just waiting to be opened? For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord--a promise of hope He states, but my hope seems to be my fear most days. This hope I posses, this hope I am given, it it not my own?

As grace is a gift, peace a promise, hope happens despite my attempts, desires, fears and ambitions. My hope does not come from these eager hands, this overflowing mind, or this blank canvas before me. Who has created my inspiration? Who has awakened this heart of mine? My canvas, my colors, my thoughts, my plans come from the one who created the world from blankness--who created black and white expanses of separation to a world he soon filled with colors.

I can never finish the picture, I never know how to finish the project, my words never seem complete, my heart always feels full; but these pictures are not my own, these words lack deeper understanding, my heart is not my own, my projects are mirror reflections to something greater within. So I paint to the one that creates inspiration, my words are directed to He who reads between them, my purpose is His plan--this chaos within I give to Him to create something beautiful.

Ecclesiastes 8:16-17

When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth--his eyes not seeing sleep day or night--then I saw all that God had done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it.

Amazing beauty, I am at a loss

It's Your Grace that bore my cross

Focus

Focus

I often lose my focus, the expanse of the world around me is to much to filter, to much to take in, to much to make sense of, and to much to understand. Colors blend together and lines become fog as I stand in one place with the world spinning madly around me. How do you see the world around you? What do the colors project? What do the lines define? Must each person see the same thing, relate to the same thing, objectify the same thing?

Life is art--it is the ability to capture an everyday occurrence, zoom in on one item and be able to blur the background until that item, your item, becomes your focus. I walk and pass a leaf and to me I see a green blur as I focus on the path in front of me, but the very next day I take notice of a single solitary leaf and the path in front of me begins to blur as I draw my attention to every vein, every cell, every pigment of color reflecting off that one single item.

Life is sometimes lived in the blur and other times it is captured in the details--each have their beauty, each have their purpose, without the other the one would not help balance the other. Focus requires balance- the ability to move forward, step backwards, see your surroundings, but understand your focal point.

As I set my attention to Christ the world around me blurs and creates a backdrop of millions of colors and patterns to illuminate and capture my focus of His power, His beauty, and His purpose.

The World is a Blur to me

Doors Closing

I find myself stretched in so many directions trying to keep all the doors from closing, but I’m stretched to thin and the darkness is setting in. I flinch in anticipation of the noise that will permeate these walls with the slamming of memories that have been. As if my heart will shatter into two, I stand guarded not knowing what to do. Like a leaf that clings to the tree in the midst of a changing season, I hesitate to let go for fear of the vulnerability and exposure of falling alone.

Hope waits on the opposite side of each door; I strain for understanding but wait for promises. I get pulled back in by doubt and fear locks the key to my heart. A half hearted attempt is all I have to give, stuck in the space of the in-between, waiting to be led but willing myself to move. Strength is not in numbers it is in you, but my head can’t stop the math that my heart feels within.

Eyes closed, I will my heart to make the first move. I dare one foot to be braver than the other, knuckles are white as I hold on tight, and I gasp for air as if it will be my last. Letting go has never been easy to do. Fingers slip from the mold, I’m losing my hold—I’m letting go, willing myself to grow—finding that I can’t breathe, not sure what to believe.

I am broken as I fall into You—nothing left to give but these pieces of broken heart I’ve been holding on to. I am deafened by the sound of silence as doors close with no noise, all that I thought I knew I give to you. Be my eyes in this darkness, my strength in this weakness, be my guide when I want to run and hide. You are my hope, my reason, my dream, take these pieces that are left of me.

Hope

----------------------------------------------------------

It's not about making my life happen--

it's about letting my life happen.

Perspective

How does one find perspective in the moments where all perspective is lost?

How do you regain your focus with faulty eyes?

Faith is putting hope in what is not seen; it trusts the perspective of someone other than you.

Pain and heartache come from the unknown, the inability to understand.

Hope is putting faith in what cannot be understood; it trusts the plan of someone other than you.

Happiness seems relative to the changes that take place outside of self.

Joy is the unconditional perspective when faulty eyes fail to see what was once known, it's the ability to trust someone other than you, hope in something other than what is known, and live a life that is not dependent on the fleeting emotions of a world without perspective.

The Process

Breathe in, Breathe out, the mind races as the body stands still--the inability to move physically but the desperate desire to be stopped emotionally from walking off that ledge of sanity.

The fear consumes, a madness of hopes turns into an utter feeling of failure. So many questions, so little answers. I race my mind trying to discover some missing piece that will complete this puzzle of peace.

The heart races leaving no room for the lungs to fill with any air--suffocating on fear is my constant enemy. Wanting what I can't have, holding what I so desperately want to give away--the irony of this push and pull life.

Life moving in constant motion, spinning aimlessly around me, my feet planted so firmly in this sinking sand. I look to move but my paths are full of dusty sinking sands.

Do You Trust Me?

A voice from Heaven or a phrase from this crazy brain? slowing down, breathing in--

Do You Trust Me?

Finally feeling something outside of myself, I take that first step looking for what I can only hear--

Do You Trust Me?

In motion, my brain stills trying to capture this voice that is finally different then my own, one step, two steps--the path has hardened--

Do You Trust Me?

Just when I had lost trust in myself there is another asking me for His-

Do You Trust Me?

Breathing in, breathing out, sanity regained, I find myself responding--arms stretched out, screaming on the inside...

I desperately want to.

Perspective As A Mirror

I was walking at dusk tonight and every moment felt like one that should be captured by a photograph. The sun was setting behind the landscape with bright bold colors of red, yellow, and orange illuminating the sky and creating a backdrop to all of creation. Even normal every day items like a swing, a bench, a fallen leaf seemed important as the sky brought their details to my attention. As quickly as I was making mental snapshots, the sun quickly set behind the houses and that moment of amazing color and brilliance was gone until it's show tomorrow.

I wondered to myself--where am I every night that I miss such a brilliant scene of nature? What else am I missing, taking for granted, or assuming does not exist? As Romans 3:34 states, "What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness?" Nature changes depending on where you live, but because I do not see the snow capped mountains does not mean that they do not exist. If one does not experience the changing colors of leaves from vibrant green to brilliant red, does this change not take place? Everywhere we are, no matter where we are, God has put His creation, His creativity, His power and beauty around us. Romans 1:20 "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--His eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

Perspective is relative though to one who's eyes are taking in the scenes around them. To one person a setting sun over the horizon inspires hope and creates a stirring of the spirit to express emotions, words, and feelings; but to another, that very setting sun creates fear, anxiety, and depression as they know that darkness will soon follow.

Our personalities, beliefs, histories, feelings, and emotions cause us all to have different reactions to things and to see images, shapes, and colors uniquely than that of another.

"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

One's perspective of the world is a mirror to their feelings and emotions within.

The eyes see what the soul tells it to.

One's perspective reflects who they are as a person.

The Plan

The Plan is Not to Have a Plan

A friend used to tell me, "The plan is not to have a plan." There are some of us who like to live life by the seat of our pants, Que sera sera; and then there are others who need a plan, need structure, and need to know what to expect in order to relax. I don't know why it's one or the other but what I do know, is that if you try to make the laid back person be scheduled they will go insane and if you try to make the structured person more laid back, they go insane. Our personalities are so hard wired that very rarely will one ever change. I'm a person who needs a plan, I want to be prepared, and I can't relax and enjoy the moment until I know what to expect; however, those simple words, "The plan is not to have a plan," were enough to make me feel secure and settled in that moment. I knew to expect not to expect--funny how easy we can manipulate our brains.

Sometimes in life I get so stressed trying to make my life happen, trying to make lists and goals, that I fail to realize that my life is already happening. When I follow my heart instead of a list, I actually accomplish more, I enjoy my tasks and activities, and I take the pressure off of myself by not having to accomplish crazy things just to have a sense of completion.

I take my dog Rigby for a walk and he will get so excited that he will pull and gag himself just trying to get himself an inch further ahead of where he is. He wants control and wants to pull because he's so anxious to see what's ahead. He doesn't realize that the leash is for his own safety and that I am his protector. He has 10 feet of bliss he could be enjoying without the anxiety and the gagging. God is our protector, what often feels like being held back is God maintaining our boundary of safety. He gives us adequate room to move and live and enjoy our lives, but we are always pulling ourselves forward trying desperately to get ourselves to a destination that we don't even know exists. We cause ourselves physical and mental harm in this process of discontenment, when God is asking us to walk with Him, trust His guidance, and enjoy the journey that He is taking us on.

Lists and goals are necessary at times to help us remember and to give us an extra push but more often then not, I feel that God is telling us, "The plan is for you to not have a plan and to trust My Plan."

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11

Welcome to my own little world

We all have an awakening moment in our lives-- that moment when you have an epiphany, an idea or a feeling and you realize that you're not waiting for life to happen, you are going to go and make it happen.

Making it happen only involves an open mind and a spirit of determination and confidence. It's realizing that whether you are single or married your life is happening now and you can be the one that chooses how you handle what God places before you.

For the past few years, I have not handled things very well. I was stuck in a moment, a memory, a heartache that I allowed to tint my view of all things within my life. I kept waiting for that hand to come guide me, for my heart to be fixed, and for my fairy tale ending to become a present day reality. I became consumed with anxiety and fear, I was a victim of my own life and I was desperate for the feeling of safety. It seemed the more doors I tried to open the more doors God seemed to close. The passions I focused on to cover my pain only became more complex elements of pain.

I don't understand the past, I can't make sense of the present, and I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that God does. My God is a God who makes happy endings; however, it is the journey of getting there that is brutal; but through all my ups and downs--the poor Me's and the victim mentality, God's promise has proved true "For I will never leave you nor forsake you." You can only work with what God has put in front of you. When I stopped trying to make my life happen I realized that my life was happening. When I was content with less I grew in abundance. When I stopped focusing on me is when I began to better understand me.

Each person has this unexplainable moment in their lives where they give up the struggle and allow the healing, it is different for each but the end result is always the same--

A life that is lived for God and not for self.